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A Mom Remembers Her Infant Son and How Her Friends Have Helped FEBRUARY 18, 2013 / KRISTEN / 
I stumbled upon Kristen's blog when reading a post by one of her friends. She is new to blogging, but I know her authentic writing about the loss of her infant son, Cohen, will be an encouragement to those who read it. Thank you, Kristen, for allowing us to share your post.
Today Cohen would be eight months old. It's funny how time can be. On one hand I think how can it already be eight months since we lost Cohen, it feels like yesterday. On the other hand I think wow it's only been eight months it feels like so long ago. Eight months ago I laid in a hospital bed holding my sweet baby close knowing this would be the only time I had with him. I can still see and hear the doctor shake his head and say, "I'm sorry," like it happened yesterday. I remember them putting Cohen on my chest right after he was born and saying, "He's perfect," even before I knew for sure that he was a boy. I remember his smooth soft skin. I remember being so upset because he had skin tears and having to wrap him up so that he wouldn't get anymore. With Cole and Carson I took special pictures on the day of the month they were born until they were a year old. Since I can't with Cohen I take him the number of sunflowers he would be to his tiny grave. Today I took eight.
My friend met me there this month. It was the first time anyone other then my husband has gone with me. I was glad to have her there to share Cohen's special moment with me. It was good to know that Cohen is remembered. One of my biggest fears after we lost Cohen was that people would forget. Forget that he ever was because they never got to see him, hear him, or touch him. I remember saying to my husband right after Cohen was born that I want people to come. I wanted everyone to see him and hold him so that they would know he was real. He was so real to me because I got to feel him kick and move inside me and I just needed people to come and know him. Even if it was only for a few moments. I try to picture Cohen at eight months old. I can picture everything so clearly in my head except for his face. I can see his chubby legs bouncing up and down in his bouncer in the kitchen. I can see him sitting in the living room laughing at his brothers. I can see his brothers fighting over who can make him laugh more. I can see him trying to crawl to keep up with the fast pace his brothers keep. There are times when I ache to kiss him just one more time, to whisper in his ear that I love him, and sing him the songs that I sang to Cole and Carson. It's hard to believe that the person who has had the biggest impact in my life and has changed who I am, how I think and feel, never even took a breath outside of me. Cohen has changed my world so much. I never knew something could hurt this bad, that you could want something so much and know that you can never have it no mater how hard you work, how much money you make, or how hard you pray for it. I have learned to love Cole and Carson more. To not take for granted that they will be here tomorrow or the next day. I always knew that in my head but now it has become a reality. I take time out of the day to play games with them and to just spend time with them. If it means I play Trouble ten times a day then I play Trouble ten times a day (although I do grumble about it a little). Losing Cohen has not made me perfect. I still get frustrated and yell at my kids. I still get mad at my husband and frustrated with life. But I do hold them all a little closer and love them a little stronger. (On a side note: While I was writing this post I thought Cole and Carson were upstairs playing Legos but just a few moments ago Carson came downstairs, smiled at me and said, "Mommy, Cole cut my hair. It was crazy so Cole cut it!" I looked and yes there is a big chunk of hair missing in the back of Carson head. Guess it's time to hide the scissors better) You can read more of Kristen's encouraging words on her blog, What's Wrong With That Woman?!?  |
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